Monday, March 1, 2010

Tears and a Tutu Giveaway

It's been awhile since I've blogged, and to be honest, I think about it every day. I write these long, well-thought out, interesting blogs. Sometimes they are funny. But mostly lately, they've been sad. And since I don't want to be a 'downer' to the 2, possibly 3 people who actually read my blog, I haven't written a word. It's all in my head.

Why so sad? Well, I'm still dealing with my miscarriage. It's tough and that is the truth. I'm not ranting and raving at God, or lying in my bed crying all day (who has the luxury to lie in bed all day anyway!); rather I'm still performing my day to day activities. But I feel schizophrenic; smiling and living life on the outside...going to church, running errands, talking to Samuel's teachers...but on the inside I'm weeping almost every day. Sometimes the tears manage to escape and then I hide until it's under control. You'll see me when I'm done, with only red rimmed eyes and blotchy cheeks giving me away.

Everyone that I manage to bring myself to talk to, assures me that this is a grieving process. A Natural.Grieving.Process. So I'm not rushing it. I learned after my dad died, that time does heal the pain, but to not be to surprised when months go by and then a glimpse of someone or a fleeting memory kicks me in the chest like a bucking horse and the scab is ripped away again. And then it hurts again. Years after my father has passed...and sometimes it still hurts so badly I have to just stop and breathe deeply, and allow the pain to wash over me. Much like being in labor and feeling the waves of contractions; you have to just breathe and wait it out.

So it is with this baby. Another day, I'll write about how I've thought about her. Another day, I'll tell you the magical and amazing moment where I felt like I was holding her. Another day....I'll write a cheerier blog.

UNTIL is a cute giveaway for an adorable Irish fairy tutu...I really hope I win it because so far I have entered a BILLION blog giveaways and so far I've won NONE of the Billion! Maybe since I'm partly Irish, my luck will be with me :) Here is the blog to go to:


  1. I so appreciate your honesty SoShawna...know that I love reading your blog (and I'm sure that there are more than 3 of us!!)

  2. I am so sorry for your pain, but I am glad you are writing it all out. I don't mind the sad blogs...they are expected right now. They are so raw and honest and beautiful! You are in my you!

  3. ahhh girl. I love you. Keep your chin up. Rome wasn't conquered in a day. This grieving might take a while, but I know, like you said, it will get a little easier. I am praying for you. You must be a strong woman because HE doesn't give us more than we can handle. I look up to you! :)


    and there you go 3 comments, and if the saying is true..only 10% of people comment, you got way more than 3 readers! :)

  4. Thanks girls! Love the comments; they are encouraging.

  5. Haha - and here's a fourth reader =)....I am so sorry about your miscarriage. I had one two years ago. It was only a day or two after we had found out we were pregnant with what would have been our first child, but it was still incredibly painful and heartbreaking! I promise, it does get better! Will keep you in my prayers!

  6. And your children are dolls! Love the picture of Samuel in his tux and Olivia in the high heels!

  7. I love reading your blog, and love your transparency.

    I can't understand the loss of losing a child, but my heart goes out to your pain.

    You are special and loved.

  8. I am so sorry SoShawna! I was catching up on your blog today and ready your post. You had me in tears. I believe it was Dec 2005 that I miscarried my first baby. My baby would have been born I believe right around your Samuel's Birthday. The due date of my baby was July 28th which was my very own birthday day. I was I believe 7-8 weeks pregnant when it happened but it was the most tragically devastating experience I have ever gone through in my life. One of my close friends was due the week before me so often I look at her little boy and think thats how old my first born would have been. But I am also happy in the fact that I know have my Hadessah who was conceived 6 months later , so in light if not for my miscarriage I wouldn't have my Hadessah. I guess to put a positive spin on it, if that is at all possible. I do empathize with you though. I remember the months of feeling like a zombie and a shell of a woman. I remember the month I conceived Hadessah was actually the first month I started to feel like myself again. I remember telling my mother, I feel like I'm finally getting a better grip on this and then low and behold a positive pregnancy test with was the final healing water to my wounded heart. I still grieve for my baby but you are right time does heal the wound. It doesn't take it away but it does soothe it. You will be in my prayers.