Why so sad? Well, I'm still dealing with my miscarriage. It's tough and that is the truth. I'm not ranting and raving at God, or lying in my bed crying all day (who has the luxury to lie in bed all day anyway!); rather I'm still performing my day to day activities. But I feel schizophrenic; smiling and living life on the outside...going to church, running errands, talking to Samuel's teachers...but on the inside I'm weeping almost every day. Sometimes the tears manage to escape and then I hide until it's under control. You'll see me when I'm done, with only red rimmed eyes and blotchy cheeks giving me away.
Everyone that I manage to bring myself to talk to, assures me that this is a grieving process. A Natural.Grieving.Process. So I'm not rushing it. I learned after my dad died, that time does heal the pain, but to not be to surprised when months go by and then a glimpse of someone or a fleeting memory kicks me in the chest like a bucking horse and the scab is ripped away again. And then it hurts again. Years after my father has passed...and sometimes it still hurts so badly I have to just stop and breathe deeply, and allow the pain to wash over me. Much like being in labor and feeling the waves of contractions; you have to just breathe and wait it out.
So it is with this baby. Another day, I'll write about how I've thought about her. Another day, I'll tell you the magical and amazing moment where I felt like I was holding her. Another day....I'll write a cheerier blog.
UNTIL THEN....here is a cute giveaway for an adorable Irish fairy tutu...I really hope I win it because so far I have entered a BILLION blog giveaways and so far I've won NONE of the Billion! Maybe since I'm partly Irish, my luck will be with me :) Here is the blog to go to: http://dearlillieblog.blogspot.com/