My Recent Miscarriage

My baby was supposed to be born around October 10, 2010. That’s a pretty cool due date: 10/10/10! We were surprised, thrilled, and excited. We decided we weren’t going to find out the sex until he/she was born. My family was excited and my mom was planning to come out here. I was already feeling the early pregnancy exhaustion and nausea, and had quit drinking Diet Dr. Pepper cold turkey. I downloaded a Baby Names app and had started a list of favorites for both sexes.

Then I woke up on Friday and I didn’t feel sick anymore. There were signs that I was losing my baby. I called the doctor and was told to lie down. That didn’t work. This past weekend, our baby left us.

To make myself feel a little better, I remind myself that he/she is with their grandpa; my Daddy. And he always loved kids and is taking good care of those already with him, in heaven. He’s got several now…those who went to heaven before being born on earth. Two of his own, and now three from three of his daughters. Hug them for me, Dad. Squeeze them tightly for us, for we miss them dearly.

When I was doing my doula training in Northern California in 2000, I went through a class about infant loss through miscarriage or being stillborn, etc. It was a tough class and plenty of tears were shed. They reviewed the medical facts and emotional truths. Why they are likely to happen and how the mother should allow herself to grieve over them. Medical reality and even spiritual beliefs. If you are pro-life and believe that life begins at conception, then of course you understand that even the earliest of miscarried babies is a soul, and will live forever.

Just like I could never really understand pregnancy and childbirth, no matter how many dozens of women I was a doula for, until I experienced my own pregnancies; so I have never understood the loss of a baby, until now.

It is my sincere hope that my friends will NEVER go through this themselves, but if they know someone who has, maybe reading this will help them understand their friends’ emotions. If you have experienced this, know that you are not alone.

Here are the lessons I’ve learned in the past week;

It wasn’t my fault and there was nothing I could do about it. Most early miscarriages are the result of your body recognizing a chromosomal anomaly in the fetus. My educated mind reminded me of this while my heart was saying; “Even if something had been ‘wrong’ with it, it was still my baby and I still wanted it!”

Even early miscarriages hurt the heart. I know that it must be excruciatingly painful to lose a baby in the later stages of pregnancy, or after it is born. But it’s important to recognize that a woman has already bonded with her baby in the early stages, and she has dreams for it that die when she loses the baby. If it’s a first pregnancy, she is crushed and terrified that she won’t be able to successfully have a baby, ever. If she’s already had healthy children, she understands the bond and love for her babies and she has already developed that love for her unborn baby.

Little reminders hurt, but don’t tip toe around me. I won’t shatter into a million pieces. When I returned to my doctors’ office yesterday, the crowd of happily pregnant women around me felt smothering. I held it together until going into the ultrasound room; the same room where I’ve watched my other two unborn children wave blurry hands at me as the machine recorded their perfect little pounding hearts. This time, the machine showed a big empty space…which was good because medically it showed I had successfully passed all the remnants of my failed pregnancy. I laid there and sobbed at the machine, but gathered myself by the time I had to walk back past the pregnant women complaining about their swollen ankles and aching backs. And yesterday I heard the joyous news of a long-time friend who is finally pregnant and expecting her baby in September. I know that these little reminders will keep happening, and I am truly very happy for others. If you tell me that you are pregnant, I will be so very excited for you! And I’ll hide my little aches because I don’t want to spoil your moment. But I’ll be OK, don’t worry.

I am so glad I have a faithful God who comforts His hurting children. Knowing that He has His perfect reasons is so soothing to my soul. I trust Him, no matter what. And that has been a phrase I’ve had to repeat many times in my life, and many times it has been absolutely true!

My doctor gave me the ‘go-ahead’ to try and have more children, and I really want to do so. I know that nothing will ever replace my little baby, but I long to be pregnant and have a safe delivery of a healthy baby once again. It is my most heartfelt prayer…I feel like it will be the best balm for a hurting heart right now.

So to my precious unborn baby; Mommy loves you very much. I wish I could have met you, but knowing that I will someday brings me great hope and a reason to look forward to heaven. I look forward to holding you.