No Longer A Surprise

It's been so long, but I have to offer up the excuse that life has been CRAZY in the last month or so. Friends going through amazingly difficult trials; marital problems, the death of loved ones, financial disasters, life-threatening illnesses...that old saying about life being a roller-coaster has been painfully relevant. The truth is; I'm sick to my stomach from this roller-coaster ride and it's only by the grace of God that I am still sane.

LUCKILY in my own little personal life there are no major dramas. My husband still has his job. We have a roof over our heads. My husband and I, and the kids, are in good health. The one good thing that comes from this roller-coaster ride is that I am daily aware of, and immensely grateful for, the simple blessings in my own life. Well, one more thing; my prayer life is vibrantly alive and my trust in Him constant!

Anyway, the whole point of this blog is just this rambling notification to those who might care; Elton and I have decided that we want to find out the sex of this baby, after all. We had originally thought we'd like to wait until it's born in November, but we've been having mixed feelings about it and today had a talk.

There are several reasons. We feel like we'll bond better with the baby if we know what "it" is ahead of time. This week I've been organizing and packing away the kids' outgrown clothing and as I did so, I pulled out all the 'generic' sex (green, white, yellow) newborn items to store separately. I feel strangely disconnected as I did so; as if I were just putting clothes together for a friends' baby instead of my own. Later I thought about how excited I was before Samuel was born, seeing all the tiny blue clothes...and how thrilling it was before Olivia was born to fondle all the pink girlie things in giddy anticipation. It's hard to feel excited or giddy over green, yellow, or white baby things, let me tell you!

Plus, there is always an element of disappointment when you find out what the baby is NOT. Well, for us there is anyway. We thought Samuel might be a girl (the needle test said it was!) and when we found out he wasn't, we were thrilled, but it took a couple of days to mentally give up the idea of a sweet girl. Of course we were profoundly happy to have our firstborn son! With Olivia we were excited beyond measure to know we were having our sweet girl but admittedly, slightly sad that Samuel wouldn't have a brother....yet. Maybe we're just sentimental weirdos but I'm just being honest.

We REALLY want a boy this time so Samuel will have a brother, Elton especially so. But we REALLY want a girl to make sure that Olivia has a sister, and I have such a close relationship with my sisters that I would be fine, too, if all the rest of my children were girls! So see....when we find out what "it" is there will still be slight feelings of disappointment one way or another. And I'd MUCH rather deal with that now, months before the baby arrives, so that when we are in the delivery room we'll be 100% ready and excited!

Last reason, and this one is more personal; I've been holding in feelings of excitement about this baby because of my fear of losing it. I guess having had a miscarriage will do this to you. I feel like if I find out what "it" is, I'll be able to relax some more and allow myself to bond even more with this one. I'm almost 20 weeks; halfway, and surely by now I can let myself revel in this blessing a bit more.

AND SO....next week is our ultrasound and it will be a fun family event; the four of us peering at the grainy, fuzzy black and white ultrasound images, anxiously trying to see what "it" is that we expecting!

Ending on a funny note; Samuel is totally into the "I got your nose" game, except that he's taken it one step further by pretending to grab your nose, pop it into his mouth, chew and swallow it with a very exaggerated gulp that produces a burp. Well yesterday the kids were watching me dress and Olivia did her sweet smile and wave with a "Hi baby!", and Samuel put his hands on either side to gently squeeze while he kissed my tummy. Then he hesitated, and quickly grabbed at my belly and held up his hand; "Mommy, I got the baby's nose!" he squealed, and then of course "ate" it.

Poor "it"; not even born yet and already missing "it's" nose. Just a small sign of the years to come with an older brother and sister....