Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Marriage BC (Before Children)

My friend Amy is having a rough day with her energetic son, and I tried to bring her comfort even though I'm smack dab in the middle of Kid Chaos myself. I'm just having a little bit calmer day than her, so it's easier for me to see the light right now. The only light she's seeing are the fluorescent Target store lights floating around in her head while she wistfully thinks about getting out of the house (alone) and having some (alone) shopping time!

After I got off the phone with her, I started thinking about my life and marriage BC; Before Children. The comparisons are so hilarious that I wanted to share some of them here...

BC I worked outside the home, brought in a nice tidy paycheck, and had no qualms about spending some of it on myself. Manicures, new shoes, Starbucks...all guilt-free pleasures. Now I work in the home, make no money on my own, and can't remember the last manicure or Starbucks.

BC I had little breakable collectible things all over the house, including my miniature tea sets. Now I think they are packed somewhere and we have NO breakable collectible anything setting anywhere, and I strongly discourage anyone from buying me such a thing! It would be swallowed if it had small pieces, broken, or turned into a neat space missile that should be thrown across the room, in my son's opinion.

BC my husband and I took college courses, both on campus and online. We spent hours studying, reading, and writing papers. Now my husband has to lock himself in the office just to break out a Biblical commentary to research a sermon, and I'm so clueless about what's going on Outside that I didn't even know what the health care bill was about (see previous post).

BC we'd go out to eat with our other married (no children) friends, all the time if we wanted to! We'd sit at tables without highchairs, kids menus, or crayons. We could order anything off the menu without a thought for the price. Nothing was spilled onto the floor, in our laps, or flung across the room. The loudest we got was when our husbands got into their weird guy humor jokes and we wives would sit there shaking our heads. Now if we just go out with one other couple, our friends Tyrel and Kenda Butler, we have to ask for FOUR highchairs and spend so much time ordering kids meals, extra plates, extra napkins, and kids covered drinks that we are hardly aware of we order for ourselves except for making sure it's 'within our price range', also known as figuring out where in the pay period we are and if we need to stay in the $15 a meal range or not... Food gets flung and other patrons notice the loudness of the kids as we just try to eat our food before it gets cold.

BC I'd clean the house once a week (ONCE a WEEK!!) and it stayed clean! I'd complain about my husband leaving his socks in the living room instead of taking them to the bedroom laundry basket. Now those socks are the least of my worries, of course! Cracker crumbs, toys scattered, milk-filled sippy cups fermenting beneath my bed, permanent marker drawings on the wall, and a three year old who sometimes gets distracted using the potty....daily vacuuming and cleaning is necessary, although exhausting.

BC we'd sleep late on weekends. On lazy Sunday afternoons my husband would enjoy playing video games while I enjoyed lying on the couch and dozing as I watched him play. Now sleep itself is a rare commodity and I never see my husband play games because if he gets a chance, it's late at night when everyone is asleep.

The list goes on....but it's funny how different things were BC!

And to be honest, life was more boring. Now we have constant little companions who crack us up, annoy us, keep us awake, and bring us joy. Little breathy kisses and tiny arms hugging our necks. Squeals of joy at Daddy piggy-back rides and snuggles when we read to them.

We may be more tired, our home may be dirtier, poorer, and noisier, but oh...in many ways we are so much happier now, than Before Children.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Monday Musings about Sunday Chaos


This will be a random post because it's Monday morning and I'm just sorting through my mental thoughts so I can clear my head enough to get something accomplished today. But you are welcome to flip through these thoughts with me; perhaps you'll find something interesting!

First I have to tell about Fergus. I told several friends at church about this terroristic little boy that I saw at McDonalds yesterday, but now I'd like to tell the world because I just can't believe his mom and her craziness! After the Baptist service yesterday morning (Elton preached there and did great; they own the building that our church rents and since they are currently without a pastor, they ask our ministers to fill in), we went to McDonalds to let the kids eat and run off their energy before returning for our own service. Within a minute of walking in the door, this very tall 4 year old boy smacked Samuel and made him cry. The mom did nothing. In the hour that we sat there and watched all the kids playing in the playground, I saw this kid smack, pinch, push, and spit at all the other little kids, with the mom only occasionally glancing up and mildly calling out to her son. At one point, he grabbed a 3 year old boy who was being watched by his grandmother, and began choking him. Everyone watched in horrified amazement as the poor grandma kept saying "Stop! Quit it! Leave him alone!" After what seemed like 5 minutes, the mom calmly walked over and sweetly told Fergus (yes, that was his horrid name!): "Fergus, a little less physical contact with the other kids, please." Oh yeah, there was a lot of eye-rolling going on around her. The other severe warning this new-age ditz had for her son? "Fergus, honey, please give the other children a little more personal space, ok?" I've HEARD about these kinds of moms...the ones who don't want to 'offend' their kids and who want to raise them gently or whatever, but seeing one in action was unbelievable. How can you expect a 4-year old brat (or a child of ANY age, for that matter), to understand and obey such ridiculous requests as these?

OK, moving on from that rant....but still at McDonalds....the large screen TV was playing CSPAN or something while we were there, and all of the drama about the health care bill reform thing was being watched. So here is my {gulp} confession: I had no idea what it was all about! I used to know all the political news and now....I've been so caught up in alphabet flash cards and other child-related life activities that I just sat there while heated debate swirled around my table. Even the other guys in my church were discussing it later while I just averted my eyes and concentrated on wiping Olivia's ketchup-smeared face. Health care bill? Reform Something-Or-Other? NOT A CLUE.....!! When I came home and read my friends' comments on Facebook, I was made to understand that the USA is all of these things: Headed down the pooper. Becoming Communist. Becoming Socialist. Losing its Liberty. Denying the Constitution. And Obama is the Antichrist and Satan rolled into one. Oh yes, and he is a baby killer. None of this was very helpful other than letting me know that the Health Care Bill equaled BAD. And yeah, this morning I had to get up and spend some time reading online and educating myself about this. I won't offer my personal opinions on my blog but at least I know a little more than I did yesterday....poor mindless mom that I am....hahaha...

OK, last thing, I promise. On Saturday I finished my green messenger bag and I.Love.It. I bought this hideous pair of green denim, elastic-waist pants at a thrift store for 99 cents because I like the color and had a great bag in mind. I found some cool black/white fabric on sale at a store and got to work on my bag....it took about 3 hours (stopping now and then to refill sippy cups/change diapers/restart movies ), and cost about $4 total to make. I used my Green Bag all day yesterday and got a lot of compliments, and it made me realize that I like making these things for the fun of it, and actually have no desire to make things to sell! Weird! I'd like to just make things that people like, and then give them away, just for the sheer joy of knowing they like them! Is this strange or what....anyway, here's pics of my bag. Now I have to sign off and clean the house, do laundry, or some other typical housewife chore that will effectively shield me from knowing about how the government is sending America to Hell In A Handbasket.

My Lovely new Green Bag :)

Used both the original back pockets from the Hideous Pants to make pockets for the bag; this one is on the back of the bag.

Inside of the bag, with the other pocket.


It's reversible too!

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Mr. Darcy, Gilbert, & Fruity Pebbles


Whew boy, I am seriously in a F-U-N-K and why is the word FUN in that word, anyway? Because the FUNK is not FUN!

BUT I am so tired of the FUNK so I am determined to write a positive blog. Maybe it will make me feel better!

Quickly and just to get these things out of my head, here are reasons for the not FUN FUNK:
So far this year, I've had a miscarriage, my uncle died, my brother-in-law's very interesting grandma just died, my oldest sister Sharon's husband is fighting for his life, a close friend has a serious tumor and is having surgery this month and I wish I could be there, I spent some time in the hospital with church friends after a serious accident...the mom is still fighting for her life and her baby died saving her mom's life (see previous posts), and now I have a killer sinus infection. I feel so far away from my mainland family and friends. I WANT MY MOMMY!!!!

OK now that all of that stuff is out, let me move into the sunlight a bit. I have to or I'm going to lose all 14 of my blog followers besides being depressed myself.

So I'm going to list some things that make me happy. I think some of my friends have recently done this on their blogs and reading those blogs made me smile.

I love Fruity Pebbles cereal....I know it's not the best thing in the world for me but it's just so good! I'm pretty sure it was invented just for me.

I still think Tommy Boy might be one of the funniest movies ever. When they are driving down the road singing sappy love songs at the top of their voices....or when the deer wakes up and tears the car apart....oh my stars....I laugh so hard at these scenes.

I love ridiculous love stories: An Affair to Remember (meeting on top of the Empire State Building....awwww) Sleepless in Seattle (meeting on top of the Empire State Building...awww) Top Gun (this might be considered a bromance now though...ohhh, when Goose dies I still cry) The Man from Snowy River (young Australian lad hurls himself and his horse over a cliff and becomes a Man and wins Jessica) You've Got Mail (courtship via electronic love letters...awwww) It's A Wonderful Life (discovering what really matters in your life) Pride and Prejudice (Mr. Darcy. Enough said.) Anne of Green Gables (Gilbert. Enough said.) There are so many wonderful movies out there.....ha.....how nice to escape into faux-life sometimes.

Books. I am that person who will say, 99% of the time, that The Book Was Better. Because it usually is and don't argue with me.

Dark chocolate. My sister Michelle just told me that she discovered there is more iron in dark chocolate than in raisins. So toss those crinkled-up former grapes aside and bite into that blissful dark chocolate bar with NO GUILT baby, because you are doing yourself a favor.

Aahhh, I feel better already. How nice to write a perky blog...ha...and to finish it out here are some pictures of my hilarious kids. We like to go to Toys R Us and let them play with all the toys....ha...they probably don't realize it's a store where you are supposed to actually buy things instead of just playing with them. Anyway last October they discovered the Halloween costumes and yes, we dressed them up and let them run around the store like this. Yes, we are probably considered those relaxed, permissive hippy parents that cause you to roll your eyes but you know what? We don't care! It was so much fun and everyone that saw them smiled or laughed. I don't see what could be wrong with allowing your kids to have a little harmless fun and in the meantime, make memories and bring smiles to people :)

Mr. Frankenstein makes a face.

Curious George - this was his favorite

Curious George plays with the cute pink poodle

Miss Cute Pink Poodle...she loved running around squealing in this!

Oh, to be an innocent child again, just happily chilling on the floor
in your fun monkey costume.

Monday, March 15, 2010

It May Not Make Sense, But 'All Is Well'

I originally wrote this article in October 2007 for the Ladies Ministry newsletter in our church. Today I felt like God kept prompting me all day to republish it in my blog....so here it is...I don't know who needs this but if just one person reads it and is blessed, then I am happy that I listened to Him :)


It Is Well

Her son was dead. Her promise lay lifeless in her arms. She had been living a simple life, performing a small ministry of hospitality for the spiritual leader when he came by her husbands home. She hadn’t even asked for this blessing, but it had been granted to her; a priceless gift. But now, the precious baby boy, whose little feet she used to tenderly bathe, whose soft pink lips she used to bend close to watch as they slowly moved with sweet baby breath while he slept...he was dead from a brutal head injury. The feet were growing stiff and the lips were already gray and breathless. Most women would have already panicked by now. Screams of despair would have ripped into the air and everyone around would be aware of the tragedy.

Not her. She quietly laid him down and swiftly made plans to go see the spiritual leader. Her alarmed husband asked about her plans and she replied with a calm statement; “It shall be well.”

It shall be well? Are you kidding me? Lady, your one and only, long-desired, divinely promised son is dead! Everything that you thought was true and right and wonderful is lying cold and alone on a bed of death, without hope! Your promise is lifeless, isn’t it? How can you just say that “it shall be well?”

This woman made her way to the ministry, and he kindly asked about her family; “How are you? Is your husband doing OK? Is the child doing fine?” Here was her chance to blurt out the truth...to fall into tears and agony and to let the anguished cries answer him. But once again the earth-shattering answer; “It is well.”

Unbelievable. Didn’t she know that once your promise seems to be dead, you have a right to feel utter despair and a complete lack of faith? How can she peacefully claim that “all is well”? It wasn’t! Her life seemed to be intended as one of mourning!

Then she appeared before the man of God. In his wisdom, he perceived what had happened before she even had a chance to tell him. And through him, the miracle was brought about. He visited the child, prayed to the Lord, and the boy was brought back to life. Happy ending, neatly wrapped up like so many fairy-tales with fireworks and smiles at the end of the story.

Yet the fireworks may not be in the right place, it seems. Yes, it was a miraculous healing and restoration that defied even nature itself; an adored son being brought back to life. But in reading this story once again, the mind is boggled not so much by this miracle, but by her quiet, unwavering faith. How many times have we felt that our promises were lifeless and rotting, the cold victims of sudden turns of events? Those promises that we felt were given to us by God Himself, wrapped in love and carefully nurtured by us in the depths of our hearts...and then the unexpected occurs and they lie at our feet, violently ripped and exposed, returning to dust. Of course we are justified in throwing ourselves down beside them and crying in despair, right? Surely God would understand that when all hope seems lost, we can give up hope completely? How can we hold on to faith in our promise once the promise has been taken from us?

This woman did just that with a humility and calmness that astounds even the most dubious. She held on to her promise, her sweet baby boy, until he drew his last breath, then she laid him down until the man of God appeared and restored him to life. May we all engrave the mantra of the Shunammite woman into our spirits, that no matter what the circumstances may appear to be; “It is well”.

~ SoShawna Gray

Taken from II Kings 4:8-37

Friday, March 12, 2010

The Voice of An Unborn Baby Named Praise

“Could it be that through this,

Praise will save more people than just her Mommy?”

I saw this comment about my blog on a friend’s page, and my heart skipped a beat. What a thought, and yet I believe it’s a possibility! Read on and you’ll see why…

I am just a simple girl who likes to observe this amazing thing called Life, and I find it immensely therapeutic to write about my observations. I’ve never written a book or been published in a magazine. Other than a column in my small-town local newspaper that I wrote during my Senior year of High School, I’m unpublished at all. I just like to write. And because of my recent miscarriage experience, I found the miracle of Praise and Tiana particularly touching and knew that I needed to write about it. In fact, the words burned in my heart all night, and I got up early yesterday to transfer those words to my blog. I hardly knew what keys I was pressing as I typed as the tears fell and the words flowed. Looking back, I honestly believe that the words were God’s and not mine.

But I have been reminded of one of life’s simple truths: when you become transparent and allow yourself to be vulnerable by opening up about the experiences in your life, other people who have had similar experiences are drawn to you. If you remain sensitive to God and have a tender heart, you can minister to these people…or at the very least, you can just listen to them, which is all many people need for you to do.

Being honest and open about my miscarriage wasn’t the easiest decision, but I knew it was the best one. It’s been the deepest and most difficult pain to deal with that I’ve ever had in my life. However, I knew that although I was hurting, reaching out to others is always the right thing to do. It’s hard to wallow in self-pity or become depressed when your arms are open to others, and your hands are wiping away the tears of someone else.

And here is how I believe Praise is reaching out, and saving more people than just her Mommy: God allowed her story to flow through my simple blog and touch more people than I ever imagined. Consider these facts:

When I wrote my blog about Praise yesterday, the visitor count on my blog was 816. Within 4 hours, it was over 1200, and at this moment it is 1377. Give or take a few, that is 561 people who have read about Praise and the mighty hand of God.

My blog post was re-posted by more people than I even knew, reaching hundreds of other people. Another way that Praise is reaching people beyond my realm of influence.

All day yesterday, I was overwhelmed at the private emails and comments from both people I’ve known for years, and perfect strangers. And these people have opened up about their own personal losses in ways they haven’t revealed to even their closest friends. Many have recounted details such as the names of their angel babies, the anniversaries of their loss, how they’ve dealt (or struggled with) their grief and pain, and they’ve asked for prayer or advice.

People who do not even belong to a church or believe in God have contacted me and told me how the story touched them.

So this is how Praise is saving others; those people who have been suffering in pain and silence are reading about hope. They are reaching out in love and allowing healing. And best of all, the story of God’s love and miraculous intervention is being spread as a testimony to His glory and power…far beyond what I could ever reach. If we remain silent about what God has done in our lives, we are muting what could be a powerful testimony that reaches others.

And I realized that while Praise never took a breath, never uttering a single cry….we can be her voice. We can tell of what God did with her and how He is wonderful. We can tell the testimony of Tiana and Praise, and in doing so, we are the voice of Praise. We can open up about our own pain and trials, and reach out to others who just need to know that someone out there understands…and in doing so, we are the voice of Praise. We can bare our hearts and reveal our hurts, and show how God has brought healing to the deepest wounds of our lives so that others may find that healing…and in doing so, we are the voice of Praise.

I ask you, my friends; open your heart. Share this story. Reach out of your own pain and wipe the tears of others, and don’t let this story of Praise die. Spread this and your own testimony, and BE the Voice of Praise!

To God Be The Glory, For The Things He Has Done!

Thursday, March 11, 2010

A Baby, her Mommy, and a Miracle.

This blog post is dedicated to a little angel baby, who gave up her life but in doing so, saved her mothers.

Late Tuesday evening, a family in Maui were on their way home from a party where they had shared food, laughter, and fellowship with the other members of their church. Mike and Tiana, who was 7 months pregnant, and their 5 young children, had been attending the church there since May 2009; not even a full year. But their faith has been strong and they fully trust in God and have been thankful to Him for turning their lives around.

On this Tuesday, the roads were wet and what was normally a routine drive home on familiar roads became a horrific scene as Mike lost control of the truck. Hydoplaning, they skid out before rolling over about three times. When they finally landed and the rescuers came, the children were miraculously fairly well with the exception of the 3 year old girl with a broken wrist. Mike received injuries to his leg, but he could not take the time to dwell on his own injuries, because his pregnant wife Tiana was obviously fighting for her very life. At the hospital, it was just a few hours later that the medical team realized that the unborn baby no longer had a heartbeat. But in their desperate attempts to save Tiana’s life, removing the baby was not a priority, although they didn’t understand the significance of this decision at the time. Tiana had head lacerations, major internal organ damage, a shattered pelvis, and many more wounds. The bleeding would not stop and she received over half a dozen blood transfusions. Not an ounce of her own blood remained in her battered body. She remained in surgery on Maui while frantic doctors did everything within their power to stabilize her. Meanwhile, doctors and nurses were mystified at the loud roar coming from the waiting room; it sounded like a riot of people, out of control. Someone finally told them that it was not a riot; it was members of Mike and Tiana’s church, who had taken over the waiting room and transformed it into a prayer room, where they were unabashedly crying out to God at the tops of their voices. The Coast Guard was called upon to send a helicopter to transport her to Oahu, where she could be seen at the major trauma center for the entire Pacific area; Queens Medical Center. Finally, about 18 hours after the accident, she was successfully transported to Oahu.

Mike, still wearing the clothes he’d had on during the accident and refusing medical treatment for his leg, left his children in the loving care of friends and family members and came with his wife. Church members on Maui, Oahu, and the mainland were bombarding heaven on their behalf. Tiana, however, was not expected to live.

At Queens, this time late Wednesday night, Tiana again returned to a cold steel operating room table and was under the desperate hands of worried doctors, who were trying everything within their power and knowledge to save her. Her sweet baby remained inside of her, and it was beginning to dawn on the doctors that Tiana should already be dead. The combination of injuries that she’d sustained, the loss of blood, the amount of time that had passed since her accident….it all added up to the medical reality that Tiana was inexplicably alive. And then the mystery was solved; her unborn baby was keeping Mommy alive. Although the baby had died hours after the accident, because of its size, weight, and location it was putting just enough pressure on certain injured areas….stopping certain amounts of bleeding….keeping just the right organs from shutting down completely. From the time of the accident to nearly 24 hours later, she had sustained her mom.Even in her death, that baby girl was working hard. In fact, in her brief time on earth she did more for her mother than some people will do in their entire lives; and all without her taking a single breath.

An obstetrician was summoned and when the medical team was ready, the baby girl was removed by caesarian and the team began to work on saving Tiana in the way that her baby had already been doing. In her own way, she had shown them what to do and thankfully they learned enough from her to continue her task.

When the OB doctor came and relayed this information to Mike, Mike revealed that he and Tiana had already privately decided on their unborn baby’s name, long before the accident. He allowed his wife’s mother to gather everyone together in the waiting room and make the birth announcement for her precious granddaughter. She spoke of how God’s ways are mysterious and yet perfect, and although we cannot understand it, God arranged for that baby girl to exist for the reason to save her mom, and that now Praise Marie Mose (Moz-ay) was with her Creator after having done her job.

With Tiana still on the operating room table, Praise Marie was carefully wrapped in a blanket and given a soft baby hat. Mike was led to a private room and allowed to meet his daughter. After some time alone, he asked that everyone else be brought in, a few at a time, to meet her. I walked in with my pastor. He knew I was struggling with the decision to see this baby, in light of my recent and still-painful miscarriage. Something inside of me drove me to that room and to that baby, although most people may never understand why I wanted to do this. I saw Mike, tenderly cradling a precious and adorable 4 pound little girl. She had rosy skin, dark hair, and perfectly formed features. Long dark eyelashes softly touched chubby cheeks. Full lips closed in a peaceful expression.

My first feeling was, I admit, jealously. Mike was getting to hold his little girl, and I hadn’t been able to. Later, my husband confessed that jealousy had also been his initial reaction. We are, after all, only human. But instantly the jealousy turned to amazement. Adoration. Love. Awe. That little hero baby was gorgeous and perfect. It would be impossible to gaze upon her little face and NOT acknowledge the existence of a mighty God. Pastor and I wept as Mike softly whispered into his daughters face, kissing and nuzzling her as he told her to go find Ashleigh (Pastor’s daughter who drowned when she was 2), and Evangeline Joy, my own daughter. “You’ll find friends already,” he told her. “Cousins!” It was so sweet.

In that moment, I began to feel peace. Seeing Praise’s face put flesh and blood on the image in my mind, of Evangeline. I gazed at Praise and knew that without a doubt, those tiny souls were together with Jesus. I was actually looking at someone who already knew my baby girl. With tears I mourned again for my Evangeline Joy, but began to finally feel healing begin in my heart. I will see her one day. I will hug her. I will hold her. Until then, she is being cared for and although I will miss her for the rest of my life, I have Hope.

With the hospital's permission, Mike would be allowed to hold Praise through a long night, savoring every possible moment with her until the hospital would have to take her away and prepare her body for a funeral. I know that God was with Mike last night in that quiet hospital room. I will never forget that image in my head, of a large yet humble, gentle man, with a tiny blanketed still figure in his large arms. A Daddy so proud of his little girl that he couldn't bear to stop holding her. Praise certainly deserves every bit of love, recognition, and attention that she got through the night from her earthly father, even as her soul was already with her heavenly one.

After a little more time, Tiana was wheeled into ICU and the surgeon came to talk to the family. In short, she was stable. Of course she still has a long mountain to climb, and more surgeries to endure, but she was in fairly good condition after the long ordeal. Beyond any doubt, she is a miracle that medical science cannot accept credit for. Although it is through the care and expertise of the doctors that she is alive and well, in the end the doctors could only do so much. Those of us in the waiting room know the reality; God in heaven has been in control the whole time, and in His infinite love and mercy He gave Praise to Mike and Tiana, and Praise saved her Mommy.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Japanese food and Who God Is.


I am beginning to feel like blogging again, especially after reading some of the blogs that I follow. Hilarious stuff! It's like reading newspapers that are very, very personal and interesting. Kitchen remodels, neighbors who are growing marijuana, adventures with IVF, attending basketball games and getting your picture on the Jumbo-Tron when OF COURSE it's your first day without contacts...wearing your glasses...in a long time...man, who knew the world of blogging would bring me such adventure? I may be sitting out here in the middle of the Pacific Ocean on a tiny little island but my world is larger than ever!

Yesterday my husband turned 30! He had a tougher time with it than I did! For those not aware, I am almost 4 years older than him. It works for us because he is the oldest of 7 kids and always had to be mature. I am the youngest of 6 kids and never really had to grow up. We had a full day of church, time with family and friends, and an all-you-can-eat amazing Japanese food buffet at a great new restaurant at Ala Moana. Even Mr. Picky Eater Samuel had plenty of miso soup, fried rice, and teriyaki chicken. And of course, the chocolate cake he snitched from the nearby plate of his Grandma when he thought she wasn't looking. Miss Eats Everything In Sight Olivia kept food entering her mouth for the entire 2 hours we were there; miso soup, sushi, mochi, mahi fish, bean sprouts, shaved ice. It amazes me that she is only in the 50% percentile for weight while Samuel is always in the 90% percentile with his normal diet of goldfish and chocolate pudding. I don't get it!

Olivia showing her "Japanese eyes"; happy with a full tummy.

Pardon the food still on her as she hams it up for Mommy.

The balloon was for another party, but weirdly appropriate that it was right behind Birthday Boy! Look; the same cheesy grins....

Oops, never mind...not totally full tummy...I spy a little hand trying to get to my mango/strawberry shave ice dessert!


Aahhh, cute kids! Samuel, Texas Butler, Olivia (STILL food on her face!?) and Jayda Butler. Pretty sure we'll have a Samuel/Jayda or Olivia/Texas wedding in 25 years...ha...

I can't finish this blog without mentioning the sermon that my pastor preached yesterday about the Scripture Exodus 3:14, where God tells Moses "I AM that I AM." That is sometimes a little confusing to us, in our modern English language. "I am...what?" But if you research the Hebrew meaning of this phrase, you find pages of definitions that at first is more confusing; ways that this phrase has been interpreted. "I AM...Healer. He who is. Provider. Around. He who has gone before. Present. Savior. Father. Comforter. Spouse. Arm of Strength. Fortress. Safety. Counselor....the list goes on and on. You might think; "Well, what IS He? What IS the 'I AM'? The answer is; He is whatever you need Him to be, whenever you need Him. Do you need Him as a Father specifically because you don't have an earthly dad (or the one you have is lacking)? Then He is your Father....and etc.

Anyway, I probably can't communicate it the way Pastor Sanders did, but it was powerful. I've needed God in so many different ways throughout my life, and right now I need Him as a Comforter. Someone to wrap His loving arms around me and just carry me through pain and heartache. And....that is what He is to me. My Shelter, my Comfort, my Strength.

Whatever you are facing right now, let Him be exactly what you need right now. He IS....whatever you need Him to be.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Tears and a Tutu Giveaway

It's been awhile since I've blogged, and to be honest, I think about it every day. I write these long, well-thought out, interesting blogs. Sometimes they are funny. But mostly lately, they've been sad. And since I don't want to be a 'downer' to the 2, possibly 3 people who actually read my blog, I haven't written a word. It's all in my head.

Why so sad? Well, I'm still dealing with my miscarriage. It's tough and that is the truth. I'm not ranting and raving at God, or lying in my bed crying all day (who has the luxury to lie in bed all day anyway!); rather I'm still performing my day to day activities. But I feel schizophrenic; smiling and living life on the outside...going to church, running errands, talking to Samuel's teachers...but on the inside I'm weeping almost every day. Sometimes the tears manage to escape and then I hide until it's under control. You'll see me when I'm done, with only red rimmed eyes and blotchy cheeks giving me away.

Everyone that I manage to bring myself to talk to, assures me that this is a grieving process. A Natural.Grieving.Process. So I'm not rushing it. I learned after my dad died, that time does heal the pain, but to not be to surprised when months go by and then a glimpse of someone or a fleeting memory kicks me in the chest like a bucking horse and the scab is ripped away again. And then it hurts again. Years after my father has passed...and sometimes it still hurts so badly I have to just stop and breathe deeply, and allow the pain to wash over me. Much like being in labor and feeling the waves of contractions; you have to just breathe and wait it out.

So it is with this baby. Another day, I'll write about how I've thought about her. Another day, I'll tell you the magical and amazing moment where I felt like I was holding her. Another day....I'll write a cheerier blog.

UNTIL THEN....here is a cute giveaway for an adorable Irish fairy tutu...I really hope I win it because so far I have entered a BILLION blog giveaways and so far I've won NONE of the Billion! Maybe since I'm partly Irish, my luck will be with me :) Here is the blog to go to: http://dearlillieblog.blogspot.com/